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Sports Stuff

By GARY ARRINGTON
Sports writer

After having wondered for many a year and having had no way to prove or disprove, I finally solved a dilemma in my life that has plagued me for years and I did it in the easiest way. I went to the county fair last week and I was just minding my own business when I was conspired against. The sad thing was the conspirators were my own daughters.

After the hypnotist finished his first performance of the day, the fair crew set up to play "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and were handing out tickets for a drawing to participate. My daughters got me a ticket and out of all the tickets in the bucket, mine was one of the five chosen.

The contest started off easy enough as all five of us got the first question right, the second question right and the third question right. It appeared as if we would be there all night. We, the contestants, did not realize that they were on second grade questions. They were just giving us a false sense of security. They were leading us astray.

If you were in the audience giggling at us, you should be ashamed thinking that it was easy, it was not. The first several questions were such that you were questioning the answer just in case it was a trick. There was enormous pressure on each of us to not appear to be not smarter than a fifth grader.

The game lost two contestants with a trick question and they had to confess that they were not smarter than a fifth grader. There were five fifth graders there answering the questions just like us to prove how unsmart we really were.

I, at much urging of the crowd, took the category 'spelling' for us all to answer a question. That almost cost me. The question was "In the word wonderful, what does 'ful' represent." Does that sound like a spelling question? It was a trick and I did not know the answer. Thank goodness that I had a life line and the fifth graders knew the answer. The answer is suffix for you other people who do not know but now I do know as if that will ever be useful again.

All of a sudden the questions were harder and you no longer could be confident in your answers. The pressure was building and the audience was just waiting for us final three to buckle under.

We lost another contestant and then there were just two of us. I took a math question and the question was 'What is the formula for finding the area of a circle.' The other contestant did not know the answer, used his lifeline to no avail as no fifth grader knew the answer either. I did and I was the last one standing. They asked one more question that I also got right and now it is official. I am smarter than a fifth grader. Now I hope next year I will get to defend my title when they play 'Are you smarter than a sixth grader?'

And now since I am smarter, I want someone to explain to me what a jumbo shrimp is since that appears to be contradictory. After you do that, please explain large petite, as that also appears contradictory. And finally, I got a fortune cookie at the fair and it told me too that I had been good and to give myself a surprise gift. Huh? How do I do that? That has to be at least an eighth grade question.




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